"Consider what is on earth.  By that much will be decided today, whether we Christians have enough strength to bear witness to the world that we are no dreamers with our heads in the clouds.  That we do not let things come and go as they are, that our faith really is not opium which leaves us content in the middle of an unjust world.  But that precisely because we look to what is above we protest all the more stubbornly and deliberately on this earth."

A year ago tomorrow we arrived home ready to try to redefine normal and become a family.  Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago, at other times it feels like it's raced by.  I've heard people say of life and parenthood that the days go long, but the years go fast.  I can see that pattern beginning.

The first days of our adoption were some of the hardest of my life so far.  I wish I could say exactly why, but I'm not sure I can specify a list of things and sum it up.  I will say I've noticed one big change in me in my first year of parenthood: what I feel is what I feel.  Before I was a dad I basically believed that I could apply a logical filter to my circumstances to define my response.  I could at least try to say "that guy cut me off in traffic because...," or "he was just stressed when he said that."  For me, parenthood hasn't been that easy.  If I feel something, if I feel overwhelmed by stress, insecurity, sadness--whatever--then I have to accept that's how I feel and I try to get in a break or a night's sleep and hope for better when I return.  I'm consumed by this parenting thing and logically talking myself out of how I feel hasn't worked as well anymore.

That gets me back to our first days together, particularly in Manila, when I was just beginning to grapple with some things that felt overwhelming.  We didn't feel comfortable going anywhere, because people would stop and ask the kids where their real parents were, and that led to a fast onset of some cabin fever.  The kids were very sad about leaving CSC.  We didn't know how to parent yet...we seemed barely able to just keep tabs on 4 lively bodies.  The kids could not turn their eyes from any TV that was on, regardless of the program or how you tried to get their attention.  Our first meal alone together (still in Cebu) everyone seemed to be pouting or not listening and Theresa looked at me across the table and said, "Did somebody say something about an HM?"  I knew exactly what she meant: there were no signs of a honeymoon anywhere.

There hasn’t been a thing about the last year that’s been easy, but God has had us in His hands every day and we are so grateful for what He’s done for us, and for who we’re becoming.  It’s been quite a process, this call to obedience.  We’re thankful to be where we are…and, well, sometimes we’re just grateful those first days have passed!

We had a big day Friday.  Our adoption was officially decreed by a MN judge some two years after Theresa and I started the initial paperwork...and almost a year since we brought our kids home.  All 6 of us are officially Buleys!  No more last name confusion at school or the doctor's office, and better yet, no lingering questions of "could someone come take us back?"  Other than receiving the documents, it's all said and done.  We're all quite content with our new situation.  The kids were down right giddy on Friday.  We talked a lot lately about the importance their old last name will always have, but that it is time for all of us to be Buleys now.

It was interesting being at the courthouse for this.  We seemed to be a little ray of light for all the juvenile court staff.  I imagine it's hard work spending the day in a system largely doling out repercussions to people too young to have made the mistakes they've made.  I think every employee we interacted with was excited about our reason for being there.  Our judge noted that 4 kids was a record for him (if he only knew some of the other CSC families he wouldn't be so impressed).  Incidentally, we have a new order for our kids.  The judge put the official stamp on them in the order his paperwork happened to be in.  The first to be a Buley was Mark, then Raymund, Mary Joy and Remir.  Mark and Raymund can hold that over their older siblings as long as they choose!  I'm adding a picture from the courtroom.

While I'm at it I'll plug in a shot from Theresa's birthday at Benihana.  It was worth the investment to have that experience with the kids on Theresa's birthday, but it was an investment.  Also, a fun shot at Cub Foods and Mark's soccer team photo.  His last game was last week, and it went as many others have.  His team won 4-3.  Mark's goal total: 4.  He didn't always score every goal, in fact I was often impressed by him passing while "on attack," but he blew us away with his skill level.  We had him in rec league because he had never played soccer before this year.  Needless to say, he'll be trying out for traveling team this fall.

The other day Remir and Mary Joy both happened to get in trouble for separate reasons.  One act was sneakier and more significant and brought more consequences, but I was bugged that both situations stemmed out of not respecting their parents or our family as a unit.

Some time had passed since the initial talking to (for each of them) when I interrupted what they were doing to come sit at the kitchen table.  Their faces seemed to indicate they knew there was either a speech or a raised-voice in store for them.  I wasn't angry, and said so, but reiterated that I was disappointed and didn't think their acts were in line with how a family should function.  Eventually I said, "You know, I'd like to hear from both of you why it is you think we adopted you."  They both looked a little stunned and eventually stammered out some things about us wanting to care for them, and liking them...maybe loving them even(?).

Imagine their surprise when I said "nope".  Sure, I told them, those things are connected to why we adopted you, but they don't make a family.  Everyone at CSC liked them, some loved them, and every last one was willing to care for them for years into the future.  But those reasons don't justify an adoption; again, they don't make a family.  I cannot emphasize my point to them enough.  "We adopted you because you were missing from us."  It is so true.  Our kids were missing here, we longed for them, yes, we felt what we discerned to be God's call, but it started with us wanting them--even a little selfishly.  They are in fact filling a need for us too!  I couldn’t expect an authentic relationship with someone when only half of the equation is filling any bit of the others needs.

We were willing to accept this enormous change to be connected for the rest of our lives; to be responsible when they do something wrong to someone else, to be embarrassed by them, to hold them when all they want is to push away.  Sorry, but I believe wonderful words like 'care', 'like', 'love' and even 'call' don't quite cut it.  Honestly, how could we really know we loved them a year ago?  We couldn’t.  At best, we saw the hope of love coming…and it takes some time.

Adoption professionals are cautious of potential adoptive parents who come with too much "God called us to these kids” statements.  The problem is, no one can discern God's call for anyone else, or if it's legit.  The secular version is basically "we want to do good for a child in need."  Those reasons don't hack it when things get hard.  I call both “philanthropic adoption”, and you can imagine how badly those intentions can go.  It's too easy to get emotionally attached to the idea of adoption, of doing the right thing, and those things might float away when the reality, insecurity, and fear of actually being an adoptive parent really sink in.

I'm convinced our adoption has a chance at being successful because, before anything else, we wanted our kids.

We finished a weekend of power-celebrating around here.  Remir turned 15 on Friday, Theresa and I celebrated 11 years of marriage on Saturday and yesterday was my first Father's Day.  After my birthday is over next weekend I think we're all going to be glad for a break...even me who has generally been in the honored-person category.

The kids proved to me how far they've come this weekend.  Sometimes adopted kids, including ours, struggle most when they know there are expectations on them.  When they're supposed to be on their best behavior or act in a certain way they can end up acting worse than if you started the day by telling them they had free-reign and could behave any way they chose.  I'm guessing that's not a trait exclusively held by adopted kids, but I know other adoptive parents have had issues with this too.

Honestly though, our kids were awesome this weekend.  I don't think we dealt with a single instance of pouting, and there were no multi-day punishments doled out.  That's pretty good!  In fact, I don't remember doing much voice-raising even.  (This statement makes me immediately realize I should check with Theresa and see if she thought it was such smooth sailing--maybe I was just checked out!)  All in all, I think they did a really great job of contributing and celebrating the special days for their other family members.  It would be great if we've officially turned a corner there.

We're nearing the 11-month mark now.  First of all, our adoption still isn't finalized in the US courts.  The biggest thing about this is that our kids still don't have Buley as an official last name.  We're all really ready to be done with that.  We had a finger-print issue and now a payment snafu at Anoka County, but we are finally close.  But that's not the first thing that comes to mind related to our kids.  We were with friends the other day and one of them commented on how cool it is to see us interact.  Every so often people tell us they're amazed by how much we are a family.  Honestly, us really being a family is becoming more and more evident to me.  We're quite blessed for the way things have gone.  Even our struggles have been manageable so far.  At the 11-month mark God has exceeded my expectations for what He had in store.